to answer my own question below, it's because i lost any faith in the idea that anything matters or that anything we do makes any difference. all striving is pointless.
may as well shoot myself in the head then, eh? i have no choice in the matter. paradoxically, doing just that might be the best argument for free will i could summon, over-riding the biological survival instinct and splattering the contents of my head over the nearest wall and ceiling.
i really don't like the contents of my head much - "out, foul jelly!"
my head works so much better when i'm hung over, i stop thinking too much and everything attains a sacred clarity.
i have to put this all to one last test, to see if there is any freedom... by carrying out arbitrary acts of freedom.... just to see if it can be done........
why are you so afraid to just lose it, cut loose??? there is nothing to lose, not for you.......