Never Too Late!

Never Too Late!
any resemblance to anyone real or imaginary is mere bad luck
we are all lying in the gutter, but some of us are trying to get up


An experiment in drunkeness, and a question about Nescafe resolved

A close friend (who you will know as Doc O) arrived back from New York yesterday so I went over last night to hear the stories of the Englishman in New York and drink most of a bottle of Smirnoff (is it Blue or Black, the 50% one?)

As you my faithful readers all know, my drug of choice is completely different, and I haven't been drunk for as long as I remember. Instead I have found a very good doctor who is curing me of my heroin addiction by the use of morphine sulphate and diazepam. I will explain the idea behind this later.

Now, in summer time, you can make a lovely iced coffee shake sort of thing by putting instant coffee, sugar and crushed ice in a milk bottle and shaking until it goes frothy and sludgy. Late in the evening, when the tonic and lemons had run out, I thought rather than drink raw alcohol in the manly Nordic manner, I would make alcoholic iced coffee.

Before continuing with the story, I must explain a little about Dr Otter. He lives in a dank repulsive hole of a flat (yeah, so hit me mthrfckr) which he rarely cleans and the kitchen of which lacks the most basic implements or civilised amenities. Yet, the man can put together a delicious sharkfish steak with sauce, with rice and a vegetable dish on the side. When he drinks, there will always be lemon, lime and ice-cubes at hand.

The alcoholic coffee sludge that I had produced deeply insulted Dr Otter and sparked a vicious and dangerous situation which could have ended badly. He held out with religious conviction that Nescafe must first be mixed with some boiling water. If one is making iced coffee, one then adds the cold milk or ice afterwards. I took the position that it is perfectly alright to mix the coffee directly with cold milk.

The argument escalated dangerously. Dr Otter and I are neither what one would term well-balanced people. Horrible violence, probably to my detriment, loomed. A solution had to be found.

Aha! I had it! On the side of the Nescafe jar, there is a Consumer Helpline Freephone number. We must call them and ask which one of us was right.

Doc O wouldn't give me the phone at first, knowing he would be proved wrong. Finally I managed to wrest it from him and telephone the number. A recorded message told me that, since it was 2 am, the line was closed, but in emergencies, the security at the Nestle office could be contacted on 019xxxxx whatever.

I telephoned the security and did my best to maintain my face in my shameful (yes, this combination of drugs is shameful) state of vodka and valium-sodden soddenness. He was very concerned and told me that, while he was just security, someone from the Consumer Help department could phone me back if I had a concern, so I gave him the number.

Several minutes later, someone from Nestle called. Doc O answered the phone and spoke most of the time. This made it possible for him to use his typical cheap sophistry to word the question in such a manner that he would be proved right. Apparently, the person he spoke to told him that Nescafe is, indeed, designed to be mixed with boiling water.

I took the phone before Doc O hung up and spoke to the Nestle Consumer Help Representative. He told me it was perfectly fine to mix Nescafe with cold milk and that, really, it came down to a matter of personal preference.

I expressed my admiration that Nestle had Consumer Help Representatives awake at all hours of night to answer important questions about their products, thanked the gentleman, and hung up. The man had, after all, spent some 20 minutes in the dead of night talking to two people who must have sounded like complete drooling idiots. He spoke calmly and soothingly and his concern for the consumers of his company's products was palpable.

Inevitably Doc O then began to crow "Ha, see! I was right and you were wrong!"

I was too far gone to care any more. I'm tired of arguing with people like him who can never concede defeat like a gentleman. I'm exactly the same, it must be said.

"History is written my the victor."

No, history is written by the one who has the blog. This has now become the established, recorded truth of what transpired that night. The following instant recipe for ice coffee was also validated by a Nestle representative. It is very nice on a hot summer day.
1. Drink or empty about a quarter of a plastic milk 1 litre packet (use blue, ie full fat milk. of course)
2. Add Nescafe, sugar and crushed ice to the rest of the remaining milk.
3. Screw milk packet top on securely and shake until frothy and sludgy.
4. Pour into glass and enjoy.
As a mixer for vodka, it is not to my taste. Large vodka tonic if you want to buy me a drink.

(As for Doc O, I have tried to help introduce him to the world of internet and computers because I think he should start a blog and suffered untold verbal abuse because of it. I finally managed to impress him with the new technology he so scorns when I found out how to extract morphine sulphate for injection from Zomorph slow-release morph capsules on Google.

If this were the sort of blog that commented on current events, I would heap scorn and contempt on the way the media have treated Kate Moss and her "cocaine shame", and pointed you all to this very readable Guardian article.)

(Note that important features of the story which I missed have been added to the comments section.)


Dr Wolfgang Von Otter said...

Mike H's delusions of adequacy have clearly crossed that line in the sand where he now needs TELLING...
The point with the coffee is that,had he taken the trouble to brew it correctly,( as those wonderful people at Nestles recommend,)and then allowed it to cool, a vastly superior beverage would have been the result. He knows this, and even conceded thus the following day..)Obviously it is your choice if you want to do it the lazy way, but there is a RIGHT and a WRONG way of doing everything.
The interaction between ourslves and Nescafe (I'm very into brand loyalty.So all you anti multinat types can get fucked with your "Rage against the [cappucino] machine" agenda..)was pretty comical, the fact that they were prepared to phone me at 4 a.m. and talk for twenty odd minutes, with genuine -as far as I could see-concern regarding my freinds possible nescafe poisoning was excellent, and a transcript would be worth putting up.
However thats not the reason that I have been reduced to wasting my time writing on the toilet wall that is the internet(any one can write anything and it is, for the most part nonsense)-a tool that I have, contrary to M's assertions, I have used -in a clumsy but functional fashion-since the early nineties.. I dont think that in a world of media saturation, as was BEFORE internet, really needs MORE words..They talk and they talk and they talk..At the very least their tongues (or their typing fingers)should be cut out.
Yeah, we had been drinking in a fairly heroic fashion,(ritually burning left over dollar bills and filming it),our dignity intact, until the valium M is on took him from his usual-and fairly endearing-"puny but angry" category into a dangerously garralous state..The little fuck actually Threw a ?"punch" at me for quoting Mickey Rourkes character in "spun",(M doesnt get out to films or anything much as he is usually locked into some serious three way action between himself, his computer and junk, so he missed the joke...), calling him "pussyboy".That was a bit strong I concede if he didnt "Get it" and therefore can slide, but misrepresentation of my lifestlye will not be tolerated. MY BUDDIES DIDNT DIE FACE DOWN IN THE MUD etc etc.
Okay.. living conditions...My -MY- (as in MIENE) flat is a small but highly desrable batch flat in tufnel pk..It IS untidy,and even a little damp, but sanitary and comfortable.As far as M is concerned,If it wasnt for me introducing him to my freind who has housed the dysfunctional fuck he would still be living in a needle strewn Arab pissoir with no hot water(so Mike H couldnt even make instant coffee with hot water from the tap, as he seems to think would be acceptable)that REALLY does warrant the description of disgusting.My place was particularly clean on the evening in question as before my return-I am aware I shouldnt really stoop to this but oops!whoops!OH!...Never mind -his ex-wife cleaned it for me!........Hows that for CROWING?
Mike you are NEVER tired of arguing with ANYBODY under ANY auspices..You LOVE IT you SLAG.
xxxxx Herr O.
"Might is right"..Ragnar Redbeard.

I.:.S.:. said...

Ah yes, that was the part of the story I missed. We were sitting drinking on the bed, strewn with US currency, and used dollar bills to light our cigarettes and reefers. We attempted to film a part of this and I concede that my valium-sodden state led to poor footage.

Frankly, I am quite glad you took over responsibility for my wife. She is a good friend of mine, now, as you are, but attempting to carry on a sexual/romantic relationship was doomed from very near the start, for reasons that are becoming clear to you now (yes, and I do feel schadenfreude.

The only thing that I resent is how she has intruded on our companionship. She is my friend, you are my friend, but preferably separately. Shit, it's like wherever I go, there she is, leaving her indelible Paula-like mark on what used to be the scenes and characters of my life.

From now on I will (as far as my bio-chemistry allows it - valium & booze not only make one an idiot, but functionally impotent) restrict myself to young girlies without the experience to be a vicious self-assertive bitch. This is meant in the kindest possible way, Paula.

Herr O said...

Right...If you mean "carry on" in the permanent sense,I realised my folly in even considering any such thing in mere days,clear then,not "becoming clear now"..You are right inded w/regard to the intrusion and I did indeed consider this.For a minute.
Non assertive young girls?-"I dont even got a proper bed";Mike H,recently.Sort it,Lazysnake.
Respectfully yours, Herr O.

Doc O said...

And I know you are basically glad, if I thought you were anything else I wouldnt bring it up..Hielige

I.:.S.:. said...

"Non assertive young girls?-"I dont even got a proper bed";Mike H,recently.Sort it,Lazysnake."

By definition a non-assertive young girl doesn't demand a proper bed, as I have confirmed, even if the duvet cover has a print of birds wearing aviator goggles and scarves flying through cartoon clouds.

The type of non-assertive relatively inexperienced sexually submissive young girlie that my addled mind can handle just at the moment still have their sense of wonderment and adventure intact and quite possibly find the sort of surroundings I live in exotic and exciting compared to their parents' sub-urban semis, I would conjecture. I just have to remember to clear away all the bottles and strips of pills before next time, and the gentleman landlord has to be at work, and the needletracks still look a bit bad, maybe I should get some foundation cream.

dave bones said...

Bollocks to the both of you and your sleepless multi-nat representaives.

If you want the definative (better have spelt that correctly as this is Mikes toilet wall) iced coffee, nip round the corner to Pani's place! (although probably not at 4 am)

dave bones said...

definitive? Oh who fucking cares.